Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The questions I cannot answer

It's been a while since I have posted anything, but I am afraid that could not be helped. Several times I wanted to write something, but in the end, the thought of trying to put my feelings into words seemed too overwhelming. It has been a little over five months since we saw Aleksandar in Bulgaria, and as of today, we still have no confirmed court date or travel dates.

Some days I am fine with that knowledge as I tell myself that God is using this time to prepare us for the new addition to our family. At other times, my feelings are much different. Emotions begin to build up inside of me and swirl and change like the tide. One minute, I am sad because I know I am missing time with my son. A few minutes later, I am fearful that something has gone wrong with our paperwork. In the same instant, I am also anxious about the future and what it holds for my growing family.

These feelings have been compounded over the last week as Rob and I have been trying to get new information from our agency regarding our documents that are supposedly at the Bulgarian courts in Sofia. Our caseworker called today about this, and unfortunately I was covering a state House of Representatives hearing for my job and could not take the call. After listening to the message that our caseworker left on my voicemail, I was in no better state of mind. She stated that she had not been able to get any info from Bulgaria in the last week, but she said that she sent another email requesting information today. She then asked on the voicemail, if Rob and I had received our I-800 approval yet. This shocked me as we had received it February 28th of this year, and she had also received a copy because she told me so over the phone in February. She then went on to say that she wanted me to give her a call and let her know how we were doing as this part of the journey can be a particularly trying time for adoptive parents. No truer words were ever spoken.

Sadly, by the time I received the message, our caseworker had already left the office for the day to do a home study. However, I know that she checks her email regularly so I plan on sending her an email tonight and following up with a phone call when she is back in the office on Thursday. Hopefully, Rob and I will have some answers by the end of this week if not sooner.

I remember reading another adoptive mom's blog not long ago who was at the point in the journey where Rob and I are now. She posted how she could not bear for people (albeit well meaning people) to keep asking her what was going on with the adoption and when was she going to get to bring her daughter home. She did not have the answers to their questions. She did not know her court date. She did not know when they would travel again to Bulgaria to get their daughter. I remember how my heart ached for her after reading that post. I now fully understand what she was saying.

On one hand, I want people to ask me about Aleksandar and how our adoption is going. I want to share our story so that others might consider the blessing that this journey brings. On the other hand, I cannot answer the questions regarding the court date and travel, and sometimes it is painful because I do not have the answers...because I so desperately want to know the answers. So, if I tear up a little when you ask, please forgive me. My heart is full of love and longing for my son, and my impatient, logical thinking mind wants dates on a calendar so we can begin counting the days until we see Aleksandar again. Here's praying for some good news this week.


  1. Praying for you guys! Looking forward to Sunday and I pray it is an enjoyable day for you.


  2. Oh, how I know this pain. It is heart wrenching. Now, when I tell Kaitlyn that I was sad because we had to wait a long time for her to come home, it is the most honest answer I can give. She was sad too. It took so long…6 months for us. Dreadfully hard. I wanted to shout "Don't these people realize that they are delaying a child from being with her family?!?" Ours was delayed additionally because of the US Embassy. I still become angry thinking about it, and probably would have said more to the lady at the Embassy during our interview on the pick-up trip in January had she not been holding Kaitlyn’s visa. It is in God’s timing, and I held that close to my heart. I know you are too. I let myself wallow a bit in the sadness and pain. I remember one Saturday in particular. It was what I needed on that day and I had to give myself the grace and permission to work through some of that. So wallow, if you need to. And know you are in my prayers, as well as your new son.


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